My Roommate From Hell
by Daughter of a Hooker
Summary: Hi, world. I'm Matthew Williams, a snarky, passive-aggressive, gay, invisible Canuck rooming with an albino, arrogant, hunky sex God Prussian. Add in my psychopath of a boyfriend, my obnoxious, overprotective brother, and an embarrassingly enthusiastic Danish best friend, then you've got a foolproof recipe for disaster. Snarky!OOC!Canada, mostly PruCan, some RusCan.


**Hey y'all! I'm Daughter of a Hooker. This is my new PruCan story, a college/gauken AU with snarky!Canada. It's all written in first person. Hope you enjoy. **

**Summary: Hi, world, I'm Matthew Williams, a snarky, passive-aggressive, gay, invisible Canuck rooming with an albino, arrogant, hunky sex God Prussian. Add in my psychopath of a boyfriend, my overprotective brother, and the manic mess of a Dane that is my best friend, then you've got a foolproof recipe for disaster. I should know! Snarky!Canada, mostly PruCan, some RusCan.**

**Warnings: Mentioned/alluded to drug use, future smut (?), and language. Whoa boy, language. Like seriously. This is freaking Gordon Ramsay and Shane Dawson combined and multiplied ultimately. THIRTY cuss words in this chapter alone! Strong, strong language. I mean it! Ye be warned. :D**

**ENJOY! REVIEW!**

My first day of University did not start well, and that's putting it fairly mildly.

I woke up at approximately 5:01 AM, as usual, thanks to my stupid rigid internal body clock. I went to bed around one o'clock last night, so naturally I was not a happy camper, or a very alert one.

I knew I would not get back to sleep, so I forced myself out of bed. The moment I rose, my humongous dog Kumara (that is his name, right?) knocked me over and I bruised my head on a nearby chair. (He didn't seem to care much about my injury, the dumb mutt.) After much cursing of my life and everything in it, I got back up, applied an ice pack that gave me freezer burn, and stepped into the shower.

Unfortunately for me, the teenage girl living into the apartment next to mine-her name is Lindsay, but I prefer the term 'Idiotic High School Bitch'-used up all the hot water when she showered last night as her showers drag on for all eternity. Never mind the fact I had to listen to her atrocious singing through the Band-Aid thin walls all night, but thanks to her, I showered this morning in water that was about the temperature of the arctic circle. By the time I was done, I was shivering like a leaf and very, very unhappy.

(Let's just be clear here: this terrible apartment that I'm only using for three months is _three hundred dollars a month_. My salary is nowhere near that.)

Oh, but that was simply not enough for the universe. The universe really sucks, eh?

I went to my clothes drawer and opened it, expecting at least some clothes, but there was nothing. Nothing at all, except for a few, probably poisonous spiders scuttling along the bottom of the drawer. I had literally no clean clothes to wear today. Every clean article of clothing I owned except for the boxers I slept in was in my suitcase. You see, kids, this is why you never let your brother Alfred do the packing for you if you're going out with your pothead, Nordic friends and he has nothing better to do, because he is most definitely not the hero. Especially when it comes to packing. I am so going to grill him when he visits.

I pulled on some disgusting old clothes (thank you sweet Lord my signature red hoodie never got dirty) along with my glasses and tried to watch telly, but the only thing on was some stupid, oh-my-God-miracle-weight-loss-hell-yes paid programming, so I gave up on that idea.

I felt it was time for breakfast so I made my way to the kitchen. However, quite impossibly, I was out of maple syrup. The only food I had besides some pancakes (which I could never bear to eat syrup-less, that was the highest of sins that anyone could commit, obviously) was dry, disgusting oatmeal, so I ate it in quiet acceptance of my terrible fate. My terrible fate that did not involve pancakes or maple syrup.

I glanced at the clock, and let out a loud curse. It was already seven, and I was supposed to pick up Ivan at 7:15. Really now, universe, what did I ever do to you? I'm a nice person! Really, I am, I swear!

By my first (only) stroke of luck that morning, I had already packed my stuff and put it in in the car. I grabbed a surprised Kuma…whatever, dashed outside, clambered into my car, and then sped off for Ivan's house.

Hi, world. I'm Matthew Williams, a passive-aggressive, invisible, nerdy, wry, gay, Canuck, with potheads for friends, a family that acts like they're on pot, and a psychopath of a boyfriend slash best friend.

Welcome to my life.

-/\-

I got to Ivan's about ten minutes late. Why the hell does he have to live in the middle of fucking _nowhere_? I hate having to drive to Ivan's, forcing my poor car over gravel-filled, dangerous, deserted roads (with heaps of snow in the winter, ugh). _And _it takes forever to get to his house. Case in point.

Why am I dating him again?

I wandered through the sunflower fields in front of his house-if he wasn't gay, he'd have no man card whatsoever, I'm serious, he's just one big happy child that just so happens to be insane-that are in front of his house and banged on the door.

I heard footsteps, the door opened, and there stood my sociopathic, Russian, crazy, sunflower loving boyfriend slash best friend. That guy gets taller and taller every time I see him, damn it! He towers over me even more now!

"Hello Matvey," he said happily. I can never really tell if he's feigning cheerfulness or seriously feeling it. "How was your morning?"

I smiled shyly through my eyelids and gave a soft smile. "It was good, thanks," I honestly only get bitter like that when I'm alone or with Alfred and, in some cases, Mathias. My doctor calls it 'Passive-Aggressive Disorder', and I call him an asshole (when I'm in my 'aggressive mode', that is).

He smiled and leaned down to kiss me. I reluctantly pushed him away.

"No matter how much I'd like to fuck right here and now, in the doorway, against the wall, we are so late right now. Let's go."

He lugged his baggage into the back of the car, forced Kumatata to the back seat, and we were off. We spent the drive in contented silence. Ivan and I were going to the same university, Hetalia Academy, and we were going to share a room. I was looking forward to the year, it was going to be great, and I just knew it. All of my friends were there or close, I was majoring in my favorite subject (World History), and I was rooming with my boyfriend for the next four years. My stupid, thick-skulled twin brother was all the way in McGill, and I barely had to pay for anything because of my hockey scholarship. Yup, life was good.

It wasn't until we arrived that my bubble burst.

-/\-

The worst part about this school accepting international students was that some of them were batshit crazy. I was currently in line for my room assignments with Ivan plus my Danish friend Mathias and the line had not moved in twenty minutes. Why, you ask? The Spaniard student aid was handing out a room assignment to some kid with a Greek accent. I think you can guess how that was going. ("Oh really?" "Yeah." "Oh really?" "Yeah.")

And it was taking for-fucking-ever.

It didn't help we were behind some girl with a flower in her hair who was brandishing a frying pan (she looked mad) and her boyfriend (In a purple tuxedo? What the hell?), who had a vein pulsing on his head. He was obviously about to explode. Some Italians were in the back and had cut in line; I could hear someone muttering curses in German-

Then Ivan started to make that weird sound he does, that sounds suspiciously like 'kol', kill in Russian. Everyone turned around to look at him, scared shitless, I'd bet. Hah.

"Let's all just move along, da?" he flashed them a sickly sweet smile. A visible shudder went through everyone's spine as the Grecian took his room assignment and left, giving a fleeting glance to the Asian man behind him. Mathias snickered and whispered,

"Mattie, dude, your boyfriend is crazy, but he's awesome," I nodded in agreement. That was definitely true. _Once again, why am I dating that guy in the first place?_

Thanks to said boyfriend, it wasn't long until we were at the front of the line. The Spaniard from before smiled nervously. Mathias snickered again. I punched him a little in the arm, and he just snickered harder. "I will get my hockey stick out, Mathias, eh," I threatened in a miniscule voice.

He shut up.

The Spaniard coughed a tad awkwardly. All three of us turned to him, and he grinned even wider than before, though he was shaking a bit. I loved my boyfriend so much! "Ah, hola, amigos! I'm Antonio Fernandez Carriedo! I'm a sophomore and an aid, so I'll be giving you your schedules and your room assignments! Names please?"

I blinked owlishly. I never thought I'd ever meet someone who could out-cheerful Ivan…until today, I guess. Mathias recovered first. He grinned and pointed to himself.

"Mathias Køhler! Remember that name; I plan to rule the world one day!" I punched him in the arm again. I don't think he actually felt it at all. The Spaniard grinned again and walked into the back room to get Mathias' info. He came back and handed it to him.

"Great, there you go compadre!"

Mathias winked and flipped us off. "See you in hell, my fellow motherfuckers! And Mattie, you passive-aggressive hot mess, you!" He cackled madly and wandered off to get his suitcases. People stared after him, and he just raised his hand higher.

What is wrong with my friends?

Antonio (that was his name, right?) who was shitless of Ivan, rather understandably if you ask me, handed us our room assignments as quick as he could and shooed us away. I linked arms with my boyfriend and read off my room number.

"So, we're going to be in number 335 in the eastern pines sector. How does it sound to you?"

Ivan turned to me, looking confused. "But…Matvey…I am staying in room 538…"

I froze up.

"What?"

-/\-

"...and then, Lukas says, 'I'm going to castrate you, Mathias!' Do you realize what this means, Mattie? It means he doesn't want to kill me anymore, just cause me great pain, and also that he wants to touch my private parts! It's wonderful!"

I sighed and massaged my temples. After getting over the initial shock of a. The stupid college mistaking me for my brother, b. The fact the 'Russian Stare' didn't work and I couldn't change rooms, and c. My brother being here in the fucking first place, instead of McGill where he said he was going, I went to Mathias' room to vent.

It rather backfired, as he was now venting to me about his strange, screwed-up love life, or lack thereof.

"Not to mention the fact that the last time I asked him out, he only kicked me in the balls! Not the stomach, the balls! It's the same phenomenon! This really only means one thing, he has to be in love with me, as I'm sure you can tell, after all, I'm-"

"God's gift to the world?" I suggested.

"Exactly! I'm happy you could see it my way!" He patted me on the back, and I pursed my lips and brushed off that spot. I rose from the floor with a sigh. I just hoped I could get out of here safely. It had barely been an hour and Mathias had already managed to make the entire place smell like a pigsty. I felt terrible for whoever his poor, poor roommate was.

That's right when said poor, poor roommate walked in. He was blonde, with big purple eyes and a happy smile on his face. He picked through the trash and disgusting things littering the floors with a few cheerful, whistled notes. He placed his suitcase of his bed and turned to face us with that grin still plastered onto his face.

"Hi there," he said, with some sort of strange Scandinavian accent. "I'm Tino! How are you? I sure hope you're good. I also hope that only one of you is my roomie. Not that the both of you don't look nice and all, but the whole reason I'm not keen on frats or anything is because I hate being around too many people while I'm asleep. I like people when I'm awake, and usually people like me too, but I've never been good with sleepovers or anything and-" He took a deep breath in.

"Uh, sorry about that. I go off like that sometimes."

Mathias slapped me on the back again-is it sad that he could reach my back when he was sitting down and I was standing up?-and then said, "You'll get along real well with Mattie then. He never says anything. Good job seeing him on the first try though."

I glared at him, and then smiled at the newcomer. "Nice to meet you," I said shyly, and cursed my passivity internally again. Then, I noticed something. There was sunlight bouncing off a gold band around his left ring finger. He was married! That's some serious commitment at so young.

He beamed. "You too!"

"Well, Mathias, I'd better be going. Thanks for absolutely nothing, as usual," He laughed and waved me out of the room. I didn't think it was funny. Nothing Mathias thinks is funny ever is, to anyone else, anyway.

I ducked and dodged my way through the halls, all of my focus now honed on one spot. Room 338. _Alfred_. Fucking _Alfred_. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to murder him. Literally, murder him. No question at all.

I stopped in the middle of the hall and texted Ivan. 'I'm going for Al. Get out while you can. I don't want you to see me like that.'

Somehow, I could feel the fear resonating from his reply. 'Of course...please tell me when you're, uh, done. I love you.'

Now, here's something you must understand. Ivan scares everyone, everywhere, all the time. He is naturally scary, and people come to expect it. Then, there's me. The little wiry boy with the thick glasses and quiet voice who barely anyone notices is alive. It's just that much scarier when I get mad, because when I do, I explode.

Alfred was dead. It was a scientific fact.

When I'm mad, I'm also lighting fast. I took me only a minute to stalk my way across campus and knock, slowly and deliberately, on my brother's door. Ivan's too, now, I guess. I heard a bump and a muffled curse from inside the room and struggled to hold in my smirk.

"So that's why he left," I heard a muter from the other side of the door, and then a fearful, "Mattie. I'm not letting you in. I know you want to hurt me."

This time, I did smirk. "No, Al," I cooed in my quietest, most sugarcoated, honey sweet voice. "It's okay, really. I just wanted to say hi to you. Would you please let me in? Come on, I'm your brother."

The door creaked as two pale blue eyes looked at me from a tiny crack. "Alright," said the person quietly. "But don't yell at me."

"Of course I won't," I assured, and then my twin brother let me in. Without hesitation, I slammed the door behind me, threw the lock, crossed my arms, and turned to him with what I'm sure was a terrifying look on my face. "What. The. Fuck," I hissed, and Al cowered.

"I knew not to trust you," he whimpered. "You were going to yell at me!"

"YOU THINK, YOU BASTARD?" I screamed, my arms flying from their cross to around flail wildly. "What is wrong with you? Why the _hell_ did you think that you could just _waltz into my fucking college and steal my fucking boyfriend_? What the _hell_, what the actual _hell_!"

He inched further towards the wall. "I'm sorry, Mattie. I-"

"Oh, don't you 'sorry, Mattie', me! MY NAME IS FUCKING MATTHEW! You need to learn that!" I took in a deep breath and started again. "Why did you do this? Why didn't you fucking tell me? What is _wrong _with you? Thanks to you being here, it's going to be every summer we've ever had all over again!

"People will say to me, 'Oh, _Alfred_, how are you?', 'Hi, _Alfred, _what's up?', '_Alfred _this, _Alfred _that!', but not this time! Never again! Transfer. Go the dean's officeright now and transfer or I swear to God I'll…I'll…"

I clutched at my hair and pulled at it, biting my lip to keep from screaming my throat raw like I had just been doing. My steam had run out. I breathed deeply, trying to calm down, and looked at him, crossing my arms again, glaring. "You're lucky we didn't have a repeat of the baseball incident, Al."

His shudder was visible. "Don't bring that up. I'm scared enough as it is. The baseball incident was three hours of pure terror."

My smirk was something rare but deserved, and it took residence on my face. "Correction: three hours of pure victory. I think I was louder just now, though, and that's saying something. Am I your worst fear or what?"

He nodded and laughed. "The people in the room next to mine must be pretty freaked."

I snickered against my will. "I wouldn't doubt it," My voice was back to its normal tone, and that was just over a whisper.

"I'm sorry, Matthew," he sighed. "You know I don't like you being with that Communist, sadistic, crazy, murderous, criminal, malicious, heartless, evil-"

The boy I just yelled at and the one that was currently using several hugely negative adjectives to describe my boyfriend is Alfred Freedom Jones, my American twin brother. Well, technically, I'm an American too, but I have dual citizenship. I got a scholarship to a really good boarding school in Canada when I was seven and I've considered myself a Canadian ever since. Al and I have always been close despite the distance, except for when either one or both of us are being an asshole. In cases like those, things like this happen. Not pretty.

"-over controlling, stalker, mean, insane, schizophrenic-"

I took off my glasses and rubbed my temples. "Alfred Jones, shut up right there. He took tests for that!"

"And what did they say?"

I pursed my lips. "No comment."

He smiled one of his manic, pure Alfred smiles. "I really am sorry, bro, but don't worry! You'll be fine! You have Mathias and Commie over there. Nobody's going to mix us up this time. You're so scrawny, and I'm buff!"

"You're pudgy, Al."

"Silly Canadian. Heroes aren't pudgy!" He laughed a manic laugh to offset his smile. I grinned, and I knew we were fine.

-/\-

Ivan had gone off somewhere because his sister wanted to see him on the day before school started, so I hadn't gotten to see him. Instead, I strode off to my room, wondering who my companion was. I sure hope this one isn't married.

I opened the door to my room, expecting there to be someone in there, but there wasn't. There wasn't even any stuff. It was empty. I frowned and made my way over to the bed, pulled out a book on forensic anthropology-my minor-and waited.

It was probably something like half an hour later when my phone began blaring Beethoven's Ninth. Mathias' ringtone-the song was as full of itself as he is. I picked it up, against my better judgment.

"I swear to goodness, if you got run out of a small village in Quebec again, Mathias, I will personally put you in a straitjacket and send you to that small, Quebecois village, with a polite letter thanking them written by me!"

He laughed. His laugh is almost as obnoxious as my brother's is. "C'mon, dude, that was only once. Uh, twice. Three times? Whatever, it's beside the point. It turns out Tino's pretty much the coolest guy on the face of the planet. We're going to the city walk. You want to hang out?"

"Only to save him form you," I said bitterly, and Mathias snickered.

"Meet us in front of the movie theater. We can throw popcorn at the ones making out!"

Then he hung up. I sighed, grabbed my red hoodie, and fled for the door.

-/\-

When I stumbled, bone tired, back in my room around midnight, I dropped into bed like a stone. Tomorrow was my first day of college, and I was sleeping in Vans, jeans, and a hoodie. Good job, Matthew.

My roommate wasn't here, either. I drifted off to sleep wondering what he could be like.

I don't know how long I slept before Mathias came bursting into my room. He slammed the door really hard, and it shook the frames of my room. I fell out of bed onto my side and cursed. "If you're a ghost or something, I'm too tired for this!"

"No, no," he panted. I recognized the faintly accented voice at once. "Just me, Matt."

"How did you get in here?"

He laughed, and it sounded on edge and stressed. "Bobby pins. My dad's big on teaching these things. Anyway, can I like, stay the night in here? Because I just really appreciate you as a friend along with a colleague and-"

I sighed, getting into an Indian-style sitting position. "You were hitting on Lukas again, weren't you?"

Even without my glasses and in the dark, I could see the wild fear on his face. "Three hours! He's been chasing me for three hours! And he stole my battleax!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I held my hands up like a surrender. Hold up. Lukas…_took your ax_? Your freaking _ax_? Did you, like, dry hump him or something?"

He said nothing, and that was all the answer I needed. "Oh, Mathias. There are some things that you just don't pull, especially with Lukas. Sorry, buddy, but you deserve this," I walked up to him, snatched away his bobby pin, opened the door, and pushed him outside. His screams echoed down the hall, followed by the dull thunk of metal on wood.

I chuckled and made to move back to bed, until I heard someone else chuckle as well, in the weirdest way I'd ever heard. _Kesesesese._ I froze and looked towards the other side of the room. A man-shaped form in the darkness waved at me.

"Hey, roomie! Your life just got more awesome!"

**I posted this back in July, but I just finished rewriting the whole thing. Finally done! :)**

**Point out my typos, criticize, praise, whatever. Just review!**

**Love you all without being creepy,**

**-Daught**


End file.
